Merriam-Webster defines “Mother” as “acting as or providing parental stock”,a “female parent “ and my favorite – “A woman in authority”.
Somewhere within that definition I lurk. I’d like to think I provide more than parental stock, I’m for sure a female (a full on middle aged woman -how did this happen so quickly?) and I yearn for the title of “Woman of Authority”.
I am coming upon my 18th year of marriage to a man who is perfect for the father role. Relaxed, thoughtful, inspiring and approachable. He provides a balance in our household that allows myself and our two sons to make it through each day.
Relaxed? Me? Not a chance. Thoughtful? Working on it all the time. Inspiring? My pandemic collection of paint-by-numbers canvases splayed all over the house- can this imply that even someone with absolutely no art background can succeed in actually producing something inspirational and pleasing to the eye? Approachable. Let’s just say I’ve heard the term “RBF” (resting bitch face) more than once from family and friends. If that’s not showing an approachable mother, then I don’t know what is. As a mother, one must streamline and choose her battles. So let’s just say, the more approachable a parent seems, the chance of being run over by a child is higher. They sense a weak link and they go in for the kill. So RBF it is.
I find myself interrupting my sons’ questions and requests, “Is this going to be a question that you already know the answer to?” before they can even get 3 words out. “Have you looked in every single room for your flip flops? TRY LOOKING ON THE FLOOR-WHY ARE YOU LOOKING IN THAT SNACK CABINET FOR YOUR SHOES.”
How about the “You didn’t turn on the parental controls and the V-BUCKS landed in my account for some reason.” What. Did. You. Just. Say.
Are you implying that the $78.46 that is on this American Express bill is MY FAULT? Um. Buh-bye Fortnite.
What about the old “Every time I put something down and go to look for it, it’s gone. Why do you move everyone’s stuff?” Um. Maybe because it’s been sitting on the bathroom floor and I’ve held out as long as possible from touching it and hoping someone will come claim whatever the item may be before I throw it in the trash?
I’ve compiled a list of harmless ways to show my family who’s really the boss in our abode. Just some sweet and satisfying revenge tactics that any woman in authority within the home can relate to.
- Showers. About 1 minute into someone’s shower I like to run the dishwasher or laundry machine. Keeps the shower attendee guessing.
- Trash. An offender’s litter is found and can go directly onto the offender’s dresser .Hopefully they will get the hint that the dining room floor or the stairs leading up to a bedroom is not a trash can in any way shape or form.
- “Cluelessly” enter and disrupt a teenager’s phone call, FaceTime or online game by walking by several times in a bathrobe with a wild head of unbrushed hair.
- Act bewildered and loudly announce you’ve found all of his dirty underwear stuffed under his bed and ask how long it’s been since he’s used his toothbrush. I also like to slip in “this room stinks”.
- Create your own hours of operation for Chik-fil-a, McDonald’s, Five Below and Dunkin Donuts. I like to pull the old, “they aren’t open today” or they are doing inventory, or the place was robbed last night so no DoorDash today, friends.
- Eat a late lunch and announce that everyone is responsible for their own dinner that night. Don’t feel guilty at all.
- Hide the TV remotes deep into the couch and seats in the house. Act offended at the suggestion it’s your fault. Don’t feel guilty at all.
- See how long you can go without grocery shopping. Watch as the shelves empty of life and the desperation sets in.
- Hide the bags of M&M’s and boxes of Entenmanns chocolate chip cookies in random dining room drawers and help yourself!
10. This is super annoying and immature but what about adding a few teaspoons of salt to any drink your husband is drinking throughout the day and walking away. Revenge.
Just know that everyone’s Mommy is important. Even the crazy Mommy’s like myself deserve a little harmless fun to show her family how important they are to her. Make sure you tell your Mommy that you love her. Tell your Mommy she’s awesome. Pick up your trash and dirty underwear. Lastly, for the Mommy’s – turn on that parental control option and learn how to pause any wifi activity in your home at any time- this very well may be the ultimate Mommy Dearest revenge. Try it out for yourself! Don’t feel guilty…We are in charge! Embrace your authority and feel no shame as you keep your family “on their toes” all the while knowing you’re the one behind that curtain. It’s empowering!